Some people believe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…

Pacific Atlantic Rim is the latest low-budget spectacle spunked from the hazy minds of The Asylum, shamelessly riding the wave (pun intended) of the latest summer blockbuster, hoping that somebody out there, is mentally retarded enough to confuse this with Del Torro’s summer throwback.

For anybody that doesn’t know, the basic premise for both ‘Rim’ films focus on mankind’s fight for survival (using giant robot mechs) against a cluster of giant pissed off sea urchins, all coming from their respective oceans. Sulphur levels in the Atlantic however are clearly a lot lower than that of the Pacific as the Atlantic natives all look as if somebody dumped a shit ton of Thalidomide into the sea in the early 60’s… In fact, that could well be the reason these monstrosities exist, it’d be one hell of a message; ‘the main threat to humankind is something that was man made….. oh my god we’re the real monsters’. With this in mind if I were to choose a sea for these CGI farts to limp from, it’d be a sea of irony.  Atlantic Rim could never achieve this however, as the film has about as much depth as a single stream of piss, running down the street and into the gutter, stinking of alcohol, a side effect from the cock it’s pouring from, belonging to an intoxicated man, out having a much better time than I did when I had to watch this horrible cum-soaked movie.

So, let’s start shall we. Atlantic Rim follows three elite soldiers; Red (David Chokachi) Tracy (Jackie Moore) and Jim (Anthony Criss) as they struggle to balance their egos and wanting to have a good time with saving the world. Red is our guy, he’s our hero, the guy who has what it takes to “save the entire frickin’ world.” as Tracy (who is also his girlfriend) elegantly puts it in one scene. What he isn’t however, is a likeable, enigmatic and sustainable lead. Red is the kind of guy people love to hate, he has more in common with a pantomime villain than a hero fighting for mankind’s future. It seems his character has been written with the anti-hero in mind but it just doesn’t work; there are no moments of clarity, no major sacrifices for him to make, no struggle with personal demons, just a horrible man enjoying his status as an ass-kicker/party-goer/the military’s most goddamn bestest ever mech pilot in the entire history of the world ever.

After coming out on top in his first battle, he dances through the streets in elation, skipping over the bodies of innocent people caught up in the destruction until he’s reunited with his crew where he tells them, in one of the worst character exchanges I have ever heard, all about how he ‘kicked this monsters ass’, it’s all very obnoxious.  One scene sees him nonchalantly waving off claims from Jim that he and Tracy ‘Hooked up’ by asking them the bigoted question; “Do you know how many of my brother’s girlfriends I hooked up with?” and then following up with “When I said we could share things, I didn’t mean this.”…

Wow…

Red, I hate you.

I hate you with every fibre of my being.

From claiming that somebody running for his life from immediate danger as “Bolting like a pussy.” to greeting a fellow soldier with the words “Do you want my autograph?” this really is character writing at its lowest level.

Jim and Tracy fair a little better in terms of my directed hate for this film and everybody involved. Tracy is non-existent. She’s inoffensive, inoffensive in a way that she doesn’t actually contribute anything to this film. So inoffensive that it very nearly offends me, but Red exists in this universe so she gets a free pass. Jim? Well Jim I actually quite liked, he is by far the most interesting character involved in this steaming pile of *insert negative*. It’s just a shame his character is never utilised in quite the right manner. See Jim is a sweetheart, instead of going to a dance and celebrating (this actually happens) immediately after killing the first monster and wiping the hundreds of deaths it caused to the side like Red does, he goes to a field somewhere and helps paramedics with their work. He also rescues a little girl called Alexandra from a burning building and proclaims that he is now her Godfather.

I’m not entirely sure what he was thinking at this exact moment, I doubt he actually thought about the psychological weight of his claim and perhaps the excitement of saving Alexandra catapulted him into an adrenaline fuelled stupor where he just had to declare that he will forever be there for her, but he does and you know what, It’s an endearing trait to have.

it’s something that Red wouldn’t do… because he’s an inconsiderate, self-indulgent, frosted-tip haired bastard.

Obviously amongst our three leads lie the supporting cast. The cast ranges from the surprising, with the inclusion of Graham Greene (An actor who should really know better) portraying the stubborn Admiral Hadley as little as he can for that easy pay check, to the out-right ridiculous, coming in the form of EVERYBODY ELSE INVOLVED WITH THIS MOVIE! From Alexandra and her Atlantic Rim to Fighter Pilots, to Oil Rig workers, to innocent Civilians, everybody does a just as shitty job as the next actor.

The lack of action throughout Atlantic Rim only exacerbates the putrid acting further. With a film like this, you’re going to know what to expect, but we as viewers only accept this if there is some fun to be had with the action. Unfortunately for Atlantic Rim its budget really doesn’t keep pace with its ambitions, which leads to every explosion, every set-piece and every attempt at ‘spectacle’ falling flat. Action scenes are rushed and sharp cuts show the lack of budget available; one instance shows an Aircraft Carrier being hit by a Submarine but there is little time to indulge as once it makes contact, the Aircraft Carrier has all but sunk into the ocean. Large set-pieces are shown momentarily whilst being littered with fast cuts to characters all fighting to get a one-liner in whilst it’s still relevant. More often than not we’re transported into the mech’s cock-pit where we’re greeted by men in spandex, waving their arms back and forth, looking like they’re playing an Xbox Kinect, ‘acting’, showing us the physical practice of fighting a monster that can only be described as a rejected concept from ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’. While many scenes of pandemonium are besieged with simple oddities such as background extras laughing to themselves in the midst of hundreds of deaths or a quick, completely irrelevant cut to a random extra having a conversation with himself on the telephone.

If I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, and I really am here, this is where any kind of charm can be found during Atlantic Rim; the moments which leave you perplexed and asking more questions than you should have to. Whether it be a slip in dialogue to a terribly shot scene, some moments of Atlantic Rim can bring a laugh or two, in a completely unintentional way, of course. These small instances however cannot make up for 80 minutes of rancid, half-hearted film-making. Why anybody would want to subject themselves to this kind of torture is beyond my comprehension and for all its charming mistakes and meaningless fun [citation needed] the fact that there is a far superior film out there at this very moment renders the entire film a pointless, over-exaggerated clone, delivered in an uninspiring and massively underwhelming fashion. Atlantic Rim is probably best compared to a Pigeon with a broken wing; aimlessly hopping about, trying to get off the ground but failing with a mind-set firmly on breadcrumbs and corrosive shit. That or a long drawn out episode of Power Rangers… had that episode been sprayed top to bottom in corrosive shit.

‘Wanklantic Rim’ – because this film deserves nothing more than a childish nickname.

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