Giant CGI tentacles flail up from the dark brown waters of the English Channel. Crew members of a Victorian vessel scream in the general direction of the monster’s appendages in a scene I shall re-title THE KRAKEN ATTACKIN’!!! It should be brilliant, I should be having a great time watching it, but it’s bloody awful…. a taste of things to come.

Arthur Conon Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes is an extraordinarily misleading title, this is definitely not old Arty Doyle’s vision of the super slueth! It is in fact The Asylum‘s cash-in on the world’s best known detective. We have to remember that everything that film company The Asylum touches turns to poopie… They’ve given us a number of screen turds including Transmorphers, Titanic 2, and Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus.

Back to the movie! After the lackluster tentacle tussle we head over to London where Dr Watson is hard at work on an autopsy. Sherlock Holmes, played here by floppy haired Ben Syder, bursts into the room and starts flapping his mouth about the cause of death in the standard ‘powers of deduction’ scene that Holmes is famous for. Syder doesn’t have the flamboyance, he doesn’t have the charm, he doesn’t even have a pipe… Ben Syder hasn’t ever been in anything, and it probably should have stayed that way! Thankfully Gareth David-Lloyd, who you may know from Torchwood, is doing a pretty decent job as Dr Watson. After their little back and forth, Holmes and Watson head down to the coast to investigate the leftovers of the Kraken’s midnight feast, but find absolutely nothing.

KRAKEN – 1               DETECTIVE WORK – 0

Having gone nowhere with the whole Kraken thing, the writers decide they need a new monster-sighting for Sherlock to investigate. Imagine the scene: A young man wanders through the lamp lit back alleys of Victorian London, from the look on his face and the bulge in his trousers its apparent he’s looking to dip his wick in a top quality strumpet. A grotty looking prostitute sees him and entices him over, she knows she’ll make a quick penny out of this spunky young fella. Suddenly there is a mighty RAWR, they both turn to see what lurks in the shadows behind them…

Ladies and Gentlemen, all the way from the Cretaceous Period, it’s a bloomin T-REX!!! The dinosaur makes short work of the randy young chap but after one sniff of the harlot he suddenly loses his appetite… he obviously doesn’t like the taste of battered minge.

Sherlock and Watson follow up the sightings which lead them to a rubber factory – go figure! Everything explodes and Sherlock goes home, some other stuff happens which isn’t worth the word count and our detective duo end up at the bad guys lair. Anyway, turns out the dastardly villain is none other than Sherlock’s brother – Thorpe Holmes?!? (Owning a Theme Park just isn’t enough for some people). He used to be a super detective too but now Sherlock is getting all the limelight so he wants him out of the picture! Thorpe has a weird side kick who looks abit like a clockwork Davina McCall, I like her because she shoots Sherlock! YAY!!! but he doesn’t die!! BOOO!!! She is also a walking BOMB!!

Watson has to go after (sex)-bomb Davina and disarm her by twisting her clockwork boobs to the deactivate setting (or something much less exciting), while back-from-the-dead Holmes chases after Thorpe in a hot air balloon. Thorpe however gets to ride a giant robo-dragon which spits fire down on Victorian London below. INCREDIBLE!!! Thorpe is obviously far smarter (and more awesome) than Sherlock, he made a giant Steam-Powered Robo-Dragon for crying out loud!! But Sherlock takes him down by crashing his airship into the mechanical monster which Thorpe some how managed not to see approaching… blimp and you’ll miss it!

Thorpe crawls out of the rubble and tries to kill Watson but Sherlock turns up to save the day by shooting his brother in the face! Huzzah!!! The detective and the Doctor go home for a nice cup of tea.

Roll Credits… which closely resemble my new Kill List

So is there anything redeeming about watching this movie? Probably not, but in some sort of morphine induced leap of logic I’ve decided that there is one elementary benefit. It is a little known statistic that 1 in 25 people will get haemorrhoids in their life. That’s more people than will ever watch this movie, which is more likely to be about 1 in 2,965. Therefore the chances of having watched The Asylum’s Sherlock Holmes AND getting hemorrhoids are like 1 in 74,125!! Thus greatly reducing my chance of having to suffer from any rectal bleeding or anal discomfort.

However, this film was still a immense pain in the arse to endure…

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